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By James Cagney

This booklet is for the real fan of James Cagney. Mr. Cagney tells his tale as nobody can.

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This was a month before I’d appeared on Jonathan Ross’s show or been kissed into the mainstream, which was unfortunate because I could’ve used any extra status available to control a very difficult room. If Jonathan Ross is hosting an awards show, everyone there accepts his authority, we all respect him and sit down and shut up. But when I hosted the NME Awards, around half the people there didn’t know who I was. I know this because he said so when he collected his award. Once, when we discussed negativity towards others, he said that we ought imagine that we each have an individual connection with a God or higher power through “a Doc Brown from Back to the Future-style metal helmet” (bear with me) that has an electric tendril that reaches up through the sky, puncturing the ozone layer, into the heavens, past the Milky Way, right into the mind of God.

Before I’ve seen a newspaper I know that I’ll be in them. Bigger, though, than the realisation of a lifetime’s ambition is the chaos she has left in my belly. It feels like love. On my way home from a day of elation and delirium I chat to Nik Linnen, my partner, my manager, my outsourced rationale. A conveniently reductive device for dividing women who spend the night in your house is those who make the bed and those who don’t. If she doesn’t, it doesn’t make her a bad person, it just means she’s busy and has to get out and on with her life and has no time for sweet, domestic ritual.

Earlier in the day while finalising the script, by which I mean writing it, for nothing is ever written until it absolutely cannot be avoided, I said to Matt that I was worried about Bob Geldof. He’ll be alright,” said Matt. “I’ve just got a feeling that he could be confrontational,” I said. I’ll tell you how we erred at these subsequent events in good time, but for now here’s my forensic analysis of what may’ve got up Bob’s nose. 1. I called him “Sir Bobby Gandalf”. 2. ” Maybe that antagonised him.

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