The Weight of Money

It is almost time to look at our taxes and, for the first time, I’m actually worried about what I’ll find. This is probably an irrational fear because I’ve never had taxes turn out negatively for me. However, I’m getting in W-2s and am pretty surprised at the deductions taken for taxes (small red flags). Also, I was very surprised to see that the partner had not adjust his withholdings when we wed last year and is still having taxes withheld at the single person rate (add that to the immediate to-do list).

So, I’m anxiously waiting to get in all the relevant tax forms from investments and all of that good stuff. I’ve never done taxes as complicated as this (multiple investment accounts, savings accounts, student loan interest) but figure that it’ll probably be easy enough. However, I want to get cracking because I want to know if we’re gonna have to come up with some more cash for last year’s taxes.

Also, since the partner takes his taxes to be prepared, I think we’ve agreed that I’ll work up the numbers and they we’ll go and see what the professional has to say. If we come out the same, then we’ll no longer use a preparation service. However, if I’ve clearly missed some major deductions we could have taken, then we’ll keep using a tax service (or, reality wise, I’ll beef up my income tax knowledge). The tax service option isn’t my idea, instead I’m trying to deal with some concerns (fears) the partner has about the ability for anyone to do their own taxes. Maybe, come next month, he’ll accept that my preparation is good enough and we’ll drop the comparison point (and save the cash).

has finally arrived. My incredibly strenuous work tasks are complete and a muted silence has cloaked my mind. I’m tired and exhausted and running on negative reserves of patience and stress tolerance. But I’m feeling the relief, the satisfaction, that all the broken bits and pieces that have made a 1 hour task take 40 are back in place. I’m ready to relax.

In all of this mess, I’m been using every free moment – those hours spent commuting, thinking about goals and what I want. Last night I literally tackled the partner with exuberant babblings and mutterings and strange gesticulations and pantomimes of cramming all my thoughts into his mind. Of course, he thought I was nuts and concluded that the week’s stress had finally broken me. After I rumbled up to bed and got snug under the not-quite-warm-enough covers, he timidly entered and carefully sat down beside me.

His face was painted with concern and worry and all manners of niceness ready and waiting to make it all better. I could see “are you okay” shinning behind his eyes as he delicately asked what all the previous motions and mentions were all about.

“Goals!”

Last weekend I found a house for us to go look at. Now, were not in the process of actively looking for a house, but when something possible and within bounds of desire comes up, you go look at it. It was a house recently reduced to fall within my parameters and had many amenities that we want and desire – an old (136 years old) farm house on two acres.

The visit showed lots of possibility and options. The well was recently replaced and a brand new pump installed. The septic systems wasn’t a cesspool. The basement had a dirt floor perfect for a root cellar. The kitchen and bedrooms were spacious. The electrical was even up-to-date and adequate for modern appliances. It has three outbuilding, all mostly too small, but still ripe with possibility and the land was surrounded by hundreds of acres of protected farmland.

Basically, it was what we’ve been looking for and within a range we could afford. We finally found the house we were looking for it was an amazing feeling. And then I started thinking. I was picturing us really living there, living there year after year, and all the modifications that would eventually be made, and something struck me – it wasn’t going to be enough. Suddenly the reality of what we’ve been looking for, or what we’ve wanted, had a real face and it wasn’t going to work.

We now have a much better idea of what we want and that provides us with a platform to build from. The partner and I must talk more. We must set goals and concrete plans and take action. Our goals have been hypothetical and mostly just thoughts and fancies. Now that our previous wants has a real life example to consider, we must work out what our wants really are.

I’ve been lamenting the fact that I don’t have a proper winter coat. My first attempt to solve this was a trip to the thrift store without success. Saturday, I won a $50 department store gift card at the partner’s holiday party. The partner, noting my lack of winning enthusiasm, reminded me of the winter coat I’ve been wanting and I perked up.

Sunday morning we headed over to the mall so he could complete some holiday shopping (which came home in an oh-so-obvious pink bag) and I could find a coat. I wasn’t impressed with the coats and was overwhelmed by the prices.  The only coat I thought I could tolerate had a price tag of $500. $500 for a coat! The other coats of possibility were closer to the $200 range. $50 off $200 is not a good deal to me.

I browsed some other stores, found similar price tags on the wool coats I liked and decided that the new coat was more of a want than a need. Upon leaving the mall coat-less, my partner began his insistence that if I needed a coat I should get a coat regardless of my price concerns. He said he would be happy to give me a coat for Christmas and we should go pick one out.

However, I held firm that a purchase of that scale just didn’t fit in our financial goals at the moment and he eventually gave up. I said I’d try the thrift store again because even a tolerable coat for $20 is a better choice than an acceptable coat for $2000-500. Of course, I didn’t tell them that I’d also decide that the wool coat I’ve owned for 10 years is going to have to be good enough for another year, despite all its shortcoming.

Who is reading this stuff? Who should be reading this? Are we reaching the people who need this information?

Thanks to a submission to the Carnival of Debt Reduction #61, I stumbled across a post by The Simple Dollar: The Wrong People Are Reading Personal Finance Site.

I feel that TSD’s point is right to an extent; these are topics and subjects that many of us have a real grasp on – but not all of us. We have looked at our retirement options, savings options, debt reduction options, income options – but not all of us.

It is the ‘others’ that we need to be reaching and this reader’s comment reminds us we are. Maybe our influence isn’t always visible, but it is making a difference. How many bloggers have been inspired to address financial issues after reading a pf blog? I was and I even started this site after reading a friend’s blog.

But perhaps these posts help us more in our individual personal relationships and discussions about money. Recently, there have been posts about finances and relationships, including reactions to parents’ spending habits and concern over sibling’s money problems. Maybe we need to move beyond the myob (mind your own business) approach and start financial discussions with peers. Perhaps then we’ll be reaching those who “need” to be hearing this information.

I can say that pf blogging has prompted me to ask more forthright questions about finances, breaking away from that unspoken rule that money is off-limits. In fact, the partner and I got into an investing and savings conversation over a post soccer-game lunch with other parents we knew nothing about and had no real relationship with – we just brought finances into the conversation and it was well received.

We need to set the bar for making conversation about money acceptable, non-threatening, non-comparative, enlightening, and educational. We need to get the word out, on the web and in our communities and families. We recognize that we are not experts, we just recognize the importance of respecting our finances as an important part of our life. This is how to reach others with the wealth of information that we’ve accumulated in this community.

I took a few minutes from a too full schedule to follow links this week. I’m glad I did, there were several articles I enjoyed and some that related to some current and upcoming concerns that I look forward to getting to sometime this week.

First off, a new series from The Simple Dollar: The Road to Financial Armageddon.  This is mostly because I like ongoing series. I like this one because I feel taking a long look at your financial background helps you see where you are and how to get where you want to be.

Of upcoming importance are the posts by Verve Coaching outlining getting a better job and My Financial Awareness’ post on staring a getting-a-raise discussion. There may be some serious job searching in the not-near-yet-not-so-distant future if I continue to play my cards right.

In terms of relationships, there is a good outline for relationships where partners have different spending habits at The Frugal Duchess and Mac’s Money Blog focuses on that most important relationship – the one with yourself – and remembering to take care of your needs/wants too.

Tired but Happy recently posted about contributions to their retirement accounts: Annual Retirement Contributions. In talking about their progress she also brought up an interesting concept that I hadn’t considered yet — how each partner’s retirement account affects the family.

Having just started my first post-college job, my first retirement contribution was made this month. I’m saving about 11% of my salary and my employer contributes 5% (they will increase their contribution to 10% next year and I will increase mine to 15%).

I’m in my mid-twenties and I know that this will keep me focused for my retirement goals (especially with my planned increases). My partner, on the other hand, is not on the same track and I’m starting to wonder how this will affect us in the long run.

Tired but Happy states, “we’re partners, and so his financial health is my financial health.” This is true and is reflected in my recent discussion of I/we in personal finances. However, where is the partnership when each partner establishes an individually focused retirement plan?

I established my contributions solely considering my later in life position. I want to know that I have provided for myself and that I have ability to retire when I want. What about the partner?

The partner is in his late-thirties and not currently contributing anything to his retirement accounts. He has an older rollover account with a couple thousand dollars but hasn’t made any new contributions. The partner is planning to start contributions this year, but only at about $30-50 a paycheck – this will only total about 2% of his income. Is this going to seriously affect our financial health?

With the “I” mentality, I can see it as a “his” issue and not worry about it. However, when I look at it through the “us” lens, suddenly our financial health feels at risk.

For me, this is something to think about. Read Tired but Happy’s article, there are some wonderful comments that follow up on this issue.

The newest bump in our joined finances adventure appears to be an “our” framework retrofitted onto a “your” outlook. Yes, we now have a joint account and our income is being pooled together – but the partner has taken the viewpoint that it is all my money now and no longer his. This has stirred up some frustrations when talking about the household budget, personal spending, and current savings.

Background: I am very budget focused and highly active in watching my finances and making sure that I stay within the lines. I am adamant that we must have a household budget in order to reach our financial goals. The partner thinks that budget is a dirty word and takes a more hands off approach. September was the first month where we joined finances and started using a new budgeting program – one that will meet each of individual preferences for spending but is seen as something I am pushing by the partner and as a compromise by myself.

Problem: Earlier this year, before becoming a legal ‘we’ and formally living together, we each contributed $5,000 toward a home purchase that fell through. $5,000 of that, which I’ve viewed as “mine”, was put into our joint savings account. I’ve been actively asking about the other $5,000 that was still in the partner’s personal accounts and making the partner uncomfortable. The partner didn’t like that I wanted the last of his money. I was getting frustrated that my portion was put into our account while he was keeping his portion. The partner revealed that he sees our joint accounts as mine and that that money was the only thing that was still his.

I/we: Through many conversations over the weekend, we realized that we did not have the same feelings toward our joint finances. Because I have spearheaded the recent move to the implementation of a new budgeting program, the partner sees me as the owner of the household finances. Also, the new accounts that we’ve joined and established are not accounts that the partner is used to using and he feels that he doesn’t have access and that they are really just my accounts with our name on them. I have added to this feeling of separation from the household budgeting by saying “I will put $$ into your personal account” instead of “we can put $$ into your personal account.”

Solutions: So, to help reduce the “I/you” outlook and move to the needed “our”, I will be making a strong effort to watch how I phrase things. Also, the budgeting program is going to be placed on the partner’s desktop instead of my laptop. Additionally, the joint checkbook and bills will remain accessible to both of us and I will make sure the partner knows how to use the budget program to manage bills. Finally, the $5,000 that is in our joint account will go back into my personal account. This returns the piece of mind that I will have some individual savings (I took my savings to $0 for the house and wedding) and will remove my need to see where that $5,000 of his is at. This will drop our joint savings considerably and will basically leave us starting from scratch. However, if we need additional money later, we can both decide what to contribute from our individual funds. I think this is the best approach for the savings situation as it allows us both to retain some ownership of our pre-partnered life.

Conclusion: The heated dialogues we were having this month traced back to feelings or impressions unequal access and ownership of finances. I feel that all couples should have equal understanding and feelings of responsibility for household money. If one person does the larger share of the financial work, it is very important to make sure the other one is informed on how to do the work. Ideally, sharing the financial responsibility equally will help keep both partners informed of current fiscal status and make sure both partners know what is happening and how to manage the finances fully if needed.