The Weight of Money

has finally arrived. My incredibly strenuous work tasks are complete and a muted silence has cloaked my mind. I’m tired and exhausted and running on negative reserves of patience and stress tolerance. But I’m feeling the relief, the satisfaction, that all the broken bits and pieces that have made a 1 hour task take 40 are back in place. I’m ready to relax.

In all of this mess, I’m been using every free moment – those hours spent commuting, thinking about goals and what I want. Last night I literally tackled the partner with exuberant babblings and mutterings and strange gesticulations and pantomimes of cramming all my thoughts into his mind. Of course, he thought I was nuts and concluded that the week’s stress had finally broken me. After I rumbled up to bed and got snug under the not-quite-warm-enough covers, he timidly entered and carefully sat down beside me.

His face was painted with concern and worry and all manners of niceness ready and waiting to make it all better. I could see “are you okay” shinning behind his eyes as he delicately asked what all the previous motions and mentions were all about.

“Goals!”

Last weekend I found a house for us to go look at. Now, were not in the process of actively looking for a house, but when something possible and within bounds of desire comes up, you go look at it. It was a house recently reduced to fall within my parameters and had many amenities that we want and desire – an old (136 years old) farm house on two acres.

The visit showed lots of possibility and options. The well was recently replaced and a brand new pump installed. The septic systems wasn’t a cesspool. The basement had a dirt floor perfect for a root cellar. The kitchen and bedrooms were spacious. The electrical was even up-to-date and adequate for modern appliances. It has three outbuilding, all mostly too small, but still ripe with possibility and the land was surrounded by hundreds of acres of protected farmland.

Basically, it was what we’ve been looking for and within a range we could afford. We finally found the house we were looking for it was an amazing feeling. And then I started thinking. I was picturing us really living there, living there year after year, and all the modifications that would eventually be made, and something struck me – it wasn’t going to be enough. Suddenly the reality of what we’ve been looking for, or what we’ve wanted, had a real face and it wasn’t going to work.

We now have a much better idea of what we want and that provides us with a platform to build from. The partner and I must talk more. We must set goals and concrete plans and take action. Our goals have been hypothetical and mostly just thoughts and fancies. Now that our previous wants has a real life example to consider, we must work out what our wants really are.

I sent my mother a gift of savings along with an invite to join ING. No, this wasn’t just to get the $10 bonus, but it was to encourage her to at least start saving something. We often have talks about money and she’ll agree with many of my suggestions but say that she just can’t save. I figured that if I sent her some cash, a pretty good amount of cash, that it might encourage her to save. I was extra surprised to find out that she came up with the $250 needed to earn the $25 bounus — great. For me, it is a gift knowing that she has started the process and that maybe there’ll be something there when she needs it some day.

Who is reading this stuff? Who should be reading this? Are we reaching the people who need this information?

Thanks to a submission to the Carnival of Debt Reduction #61, I stumbled across a post by The Simple Dollar: The Wrong People Are Reading Personal Finance Site.

I feel that TSD’s point is right to an extent; these are topics and subjects that many of us have a real grasp on – but not all of us. We have looked at our retirement options, savings options, debt reduction options, income options – but not all of us.

It is the ‘others’ that we need to be reaching and this reader’s comment reminds us we are. Maybe our influence isn’t always visible, but it is making a difference. How many bloggers have been inspired to address financial issues after reading a pf blog? I was and I even started this site after reading a friend’s blog.

But perhaps these posts help us more in our individual personal relationships and discussions about money. Recently, there have been posts about finances and relationships, including reactions to parents’ spending habits and concern over sibling’s money problems. Maybe we need to move beyond the myob (mind your own business) approach and start financial discussions with peers. Perhaps then we’ll be reaching those who “need” to be hearing this information.

I can say that pf blogging has prompted me to ask more forthright questions about finances, breaking away from that unspoken rule that money is off-limits. In fact, the partner and I got into an investing and savings conversation over a post soccer-game lunch with other parents we knew nothing about and had no real relationship with – we just brought finances into the conversation and it was well received.

We need to set the bar for making conversation about money acceptable, non-threatening, non-comparative, enlightening, and educational. We need to get the word out, on the web and in our communities and families. We recognize that we are not experts, we just recognize the importance of respecting our finances as an important part of our life. This is how to reach others with the wealth of information that we’ve accumulated in this community.

It is finally time for me to get to the children and finances post I referenced last week. I’ve been very focused on expanding my family for a couple years now. In the beginning, it was easy to find reasons to not do it – no job was a big one and second was no partner. Now that I have those two things settled, it is getting harder to push away the choice to have another child.

The partner has given many excuses and they are all financial related. Right now the biggest one is that we need to have a house first. Well, that excuse was just fine when we had a contract on a house (that fell through) but it isn’t cutting it right now. But, despite my opposition to his reasons, I can’t help agreeing that now isn’t the right time.

However, when will it ever be the right time? Is that time ever going to show up or will we always find another excuse to put it off even further.

I can come up with so many reasons to not have a child: just started a new job, we’re in credit card debt, we have no house, we want a house with some land but maybe we’ll never afford it with just one of us working, the daughter is getting older (she is 11) and do I really want to start over, the partner is getting older, do I want a career or a family…

Those reasons can go on and on and the only thing that I have to combat them is that a child is a wonderful addition. The Coin Jar’s post, Pay off the house or have another child? No contest, includes the best advice anyone could give: let your heart be your guide.

TCJ points out that comparing all the financial or professional reasons to having a child is an apples-to-oranges comparison. I agree – a child’s laughter can’t be weighed on the same scale with an annual raise.

TCJ’s advice, let your heart be your guide, applies to those who choose to not have children based on their established reasons. I feel that you must consider the entire emotional spectrum of the decision and not rely solely on a pros/cons list. If, after considering practical and emotional options, you feel that a child is not the right choice, then that is the right choice for you.

With all of my excuses, they aren’t enough to overcome the pressing desire to have another child. No, we won’t start just yet, but I know that I won’t be able to rationalize it away for another full year either. I realize the “right time” will probably never come and that I’m not willing to give up such a beautiful experience waiting for it.

For families on tight holiday budgets – either by circumstance or choice – it can be difficult to balance children’s wants with budgeted spending. I’ve developed some suggestions that might help.

The youngest children are still establishing their sense of what gift giving/receiving is and are often less put off by fewer gifts. Suggestion: pretty much any toy, any price, and any number will do. If only we could all hold on to this phase throughout the years of gift giving (note: many families do hold onto this phase).

Young school age children have often established a baseline of expectations, often set by peers and media, and may have an “I want more” mentality. Suggestion: to combat the higher expectations of these children, you can go for quantity versus quality. Dollar stores offer a lot of items that will help children with the need to open another gift without putting a large strain on the wallet. However, you must be careful about this method – it could set you up for overspending in later years.

Older school age children have a balance of wanting a fair share of gifts but also want better things. Suggestion: This is the point where the previous strategy backfires. They now have established an expectation of many gifts and now want better gifts. Many times you can just explain how the better gifts mean fewer gifts. Little stocking stuffers also go over well with this group and helps balance expectations of quantity and quality.

Teens are often more focused on the bigger ticket or main interest gifts and less concerned with how much they get. Suggestion: establish a per-child budget and buy what you can of what they want.

Now, the above suggestions are on the slippery slope of producing consumerism drones. Each of these suggestions should include honest discussions about the meaning of giving and tied into family values. In our family, gifts only come twice a year and we use those opportunities to meet some of the year-long wishing for things and to maintain the holiday magic for the daughter.

Also, some suggestions for how to outline conversations about holiday spending include:

Phrase budgeted spending in a positive light. Say “Think about a couple of things you really want this year and we’ll see what we can get” versus “We’re really tight on cash this year, so there won’t be as many presents to open”.

Educate children about why you establish a holiday spending plan – you can explain your financial goals and talk about how creating budgets helps you reach those goals. Again, the point is to avoid giving the impression that your goals are creating a loss for them, i.e. “We look forward to enjoying holiday season while keeping our goals in mind” versus “We’re trying to buy a house so we’re not going to buy many presents.”

Money management is an important family skill and reponsiblity. Previously, I discussed learning to make a buck where we attempted to show the daughter how she could make some money. The lesson did not go as planned but I think that she still learned something from it. Last night provided another opportunity to expand the daughter’s financial knowledge.

The daughter has been envying Heelys – shoes with wheels in the heels – that all the children seem to be wearing. I’ve heard “I want…” too many times in the past two week to count. The daughter realizes that, in our family, gifts only come on holidays and that all the complaining in the world won’t bring the holidays any closer. Also, she knows that she doesn’t always get what she wants as a gift and she should plan to purchase things she really wants. Last night we sat down and wrote up a “Special Purchase Plan” for the Heelys. I wrote the general format and left blanks for her to fill in, sign, and date. It basically stated:

“I want to buy ____________ and it costs $_________.

I can make a special purchase by contributing 50% from my savings account and 50% from my cash on hand.

Current amount in Savings $_________. Current amount in cash $____________. I need to save $__________ more dollars.

I can make up to $5.00 a week doing chores. If I work hard and do well on my chores, it will take me _____ weeks to save up enough money.

I am willing to work hard and save money so I can buy this item. Sign _____________ Date_______”

We went online to check the prices for the shoes. She was a bit surprised to learn that the range in value from $40 – $100 and was interested in looking at the cheaper generic models (yay, she doesn’t require brand name labels). We ended up selecting a pair that cost $60 to use for planning purposes. I explained that she can always spend less or more but it was important to pick a pair, fill in the contract, and get to bed.

She filled in the blanks and signed the commitment to save the money and taped it on the wall by her desk so that she would see it everyday as a reminder of what she is working for. I reminded her of the option of taking additional chores when offered. Many times, in the past, she has opted to skip cash-for-chores in order to read or go out in play.

Hopefully this process will result in an important lesson and a special purchase for the daughter – I’ll let you know in about 10 weeks.

In the past six months I have purchased 5 round-trip plane tickets. Sadly, despite these purchases, I’ve gone no where in the past six months. These tickets have been for the daughter, my mother, and now my sister. I’m used to buying tickets for my mom because she doesn’t have a credit/debit card and she sends me the money (usually right way, sometimes a couple weeks later). Obviously, I don’t mind buying tickets for the daughter, that’s a mother’s job — right? However, I’ve entered into new territory – I bought my sister a ticket so she could come to the wedding.

My sister struggles with money and managing money and I often have little sympathy for her. She waited until the last minute to get a ticket and was shocked at the high price. When she first asked if I could buy it and let her pay me back, I said no. I knew that the risk of not getting paid was too high and I wasn’t going to get sucked into that situation. Plus, I don’t use credit cards and all the money I spend comes directly from cash reserves, and with the wedding and the house, there isn’t much excess lying around.

However, the partner talked to me and got me to admit that I would really love to have her come out. He said he’d be willing to help buy the ticket if we could work something out. So, we found her a cheaper flight ($350 eeek — I paid $207 for my mom’s ticket last month) and I bought the ticket. But, with these conditions:

1. If she doesn’t pay, I will simply declare that it is a gift and not worry about it. I had to accept the fact that I know I probably won’t get paid for this and that it is more important to me to have her come out for the wedding than to worry about wether or not she paid me back.

2. She’ll send me $100 right away. This will help me feel more comfortable that she will indeed get on the plane and come out if she has spent cash on the ticket. She’ll then pay $100 from each paycheck until it is paid for.

Accepting that I just bought a ticket for her was the key point. I am now very excited that she will be coming and am not so concerned about the cash spent. Due to tax returns and such, it will not hurt me too much to lose the $300 on the ticket and so I can avoid worrying about that and just look forward to seeing her when she gets here.

However, I still feel that I should get some benefit out of all these plane tickets that I keep buying. Oh well!