The Weight of Money

Tired but Happy wants to know. There are many great responses to her question, go check it out. Instead of commenting, I wanted to take a somewhat deeper look at my job. I’ve mentioned that I’m not happy, but at least I was getting work that was increasing my skill set. Since it has been exactly 3 months since starting my position, I wanted to see where I stand now.

To start with TBH’s question, do I like my job, the answer is a resounding no. In fact, to quote a dissatisfied employee that worked for my mom for only one day, “there’s just nothing about [this] job that I like.”

Some tactics I tried to like my job more:

• develop personal relationships with coworkers: If I can feel some emotional, friendly connection to my peers, then I can feel better about the work I’m doing. However, that attempt failed miserably. I felt like I was really developing a working friendship with a coworker; however, even though she would be friendly at lunch, she’d turn into a bitch in the office. Finally, I decided it was better to have no relationship than a two-sided one.

• attempt to fit in more: I thought that it would be better if I walked the walk in ridiculous uncomfortable clothes and shoes. Since everyone here is all caught up in appearances and being the absolute best at everything, I thought it’d help. No, it just makes me even more bitter. The smiles and semi-friendly interactions I have when I look nice enough make me mentally scream “Screw You!” at everyone.
• rationalize work as work and be happy to go home: I thought this would work, but being happy to go home early each day means that I’m unhappy going to work each day.
• brainwash myself into liking it: chanting “debt free living, debt free living” has raised the risk of irresponsible credit card as personal backlash more than it has made me like my job.

Even though I hate my job, I still feel personal responsibility to manage my feelings ethically. When our new hire asked about the culture, I tactfully responded that it was indeed the fishbowl of expected perfection that my co-worker described. This was indeed true and I shouldn’t assume that anyone else would have a problem with it, I’m the fish out of water here. When my boss asks how things are going, I stutter and paint the picture as truthfully as possible without running screaming from the room. But, since I know I want to leave, I feel the need to let that be known.

I have a meeting set up for later this week and am not sure how to approach it. I wanted to focus on the challenges I’m facing in working with peers, conflicting information, and limited time resources. But, I also want to say “I’m on the wrong bus” and let her know that there is no way this position is going to work for me. Part of me says that I better wait until I’ve another ship to jump to before opening my mouth.

They want me to move to full time later this year and it isn’t going to happen – no amount of money could make that possible, well, maybe there is an amount that could but they ain’t going there. July will be a good transition point, but I refuse to lock myself into a date because I’ll jump ship first chance I can get.

Finally, this situation presents is impacting my emotional stability. I thought that this position would be an acceptable, but it isn’t. And now, just three months after leaving my last position, I can’t help feeling like there is something wrong with me in terms of my ability to work anywhere. It sure feels a little overwhelming when I realize that I’m starting my third job search within the past year. Of course, had I been more honest with how committed I am to my professional values, I would be in this situation. I guess I’m much more committed to living my life intentionally, in all ways, that I realized.

This entry was posted on Monday, April 16th, 2007 at 11:33 am and is filed under work. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.