has finally arrived. My incredibly strenuous work tasks are complete and a muted silence has cloaked my mind. I’m tired and exhausted and running on negative reserves of patience and stress tolerance. But I’m feeling the relief, the satisfaction, that all the broken bits and pieces that have made a 1 hour task take 40 are back in place. I’m ready to relax.
In all of this mess, I’m been using every free moment – those hours spent commuting, thinking about goals and what I want. Last night I literally tackled the partner with exuberant babblings and mutterings and strange gesticulations and pantomimes of cramming all my thoughts into his mind. Of course, he thought I was nuts and concluded that the week’s stress had finally broken me. After I rumbled up to bed and got snug under the not-quite-warm-enough covers, he timidly entered and carefully sat down beside me.
His face was painted with concern and worry and all manners of niceness ready and waiting to make it all better. I could see “are you okay” shinning behind his eyes as he delicately asked what all the previous motions and mentions were all about.
Last weekend I found a house for us to go look at. Now, were not in the process of actively looking for a house, but when something possible and within bounds of desire comes up, you go look at it. It was a house recently reduced to fall within my parameters and had many amenities that we want and desire – an old (136 years old) farm house on two acres.
The visit showed lots of possibility and options. The well was recently replaced and a brand new pump installed. The septic systems wasn’t a cesspool. The basement had a dirt floor perfect for a root cellar. The kitchen and bedrooms were spacious. The electrical was even up-to-date and adequate for modern appliances. It has three outbuilding, all mostly too small, but still ripe with possibility and the land was surrounded by hundreds of acres of protected farmland.
Basically, it was what we’ve been looking for and within a range we could afford. We finally found the house we were looking for it was an amazing feeling. And then I started thinking. I was picturing us really living there, living there year after year, and all the modifications that would eventually be made, and something struck me – it wasn’t going to be enough. Suddenly the reality of what we’ve been looking for, or what we’ve wanted, had a real face and it wasn’t going to work.
We now have a much better idea of what we want and that provides us with a platform to build from. The partner and I must talk more. We must set goals and concrete plans and take action. Our goals have been hypothetical and mostly just thoughts and fancies. Now that our previous wants has a real life example to consider, we must work out what our wants really are.