The Weight of Money

The newest bump in our joined finances adventure appears to be an “our” framework retrofitted onto a “your” outlook. Yes, we now have a joint account and our income is being pooled together – but the partner has taken the viewpoint that it is all my money now and no longer his. This has stirred up some frustrations when talking about the household budget, personal spending, and current savings.

Background: I am very budget focused and highly active in watching my finances and making sure that I stay within the lines. I am adamant that we must have a household budget in order to reach our financial goals. The partner thinks that budget is a dirty word and takes a more hands off approach. September was the first month where we joined finances and started using a new budgeting program – one that will meet each of individual preferences for spending but is seen as something I am pushing by the partner and as a compromise by myself.

Problem: Earlier this year, before becoming a legal ‘we’ and formally living together, we each contributed $5,000 toward a home purchase that fell through. $5,000 of that, which I’ve viewed as “mine”, was put into our joint savings account. I’ve been actively asking about the other $5,000 that was still in the partner’s personal accounts and making the partner uncomfortable. The partner didn’t like that I wanted the last of his money. I was getting frustrated that my portion was put into our account while he was keeping his portion. The partner revealed that he sees our joint accounts as mine and that that money was the only thing that was still his.

I/we: Through many conversations over the weekend, we realized that we did not have the same feelings toward our joint finances. Because I have spearheaded the recent move to the implementation of a new budgeting program, the partner sees me as the owner of the household finances. Also, the new accounts that we’ve joined and established are not accounts that the partner is used to using and he feels that he doesn’t have access and that they are really just my accounts with our name on them. I have added to this feeling of separation from the household budgeting by saying “I will put $$ into your personal account” instead of “we can put $$ into your personal account.”

Solutions: So, to help reduce the “I/you” outlook and move to the needed “our”, I will be making a strong effort to watch how I phrase things. Also, the budgeting program is going to be placed on the partner’s desktop instead of my laptop. Additionally, the joint checkbook and bills will remain accessible to both of us and I will make sure the partner knows how to use the budget program to manage bills. Finally, the $5,000 that is in our joint account will go back into my personal account. This returns the piece of mind that I will have some individual savings (I took my savings to $0 for the house and wedding) and will remove my need to see where that $5,000 of his is at. This will drop our joint savings considerably and will basically leave us starting from scratch. However, if we need additional money later, we can both decide what to contribute from our individual funds. I think this is the best approach for the savings situation as it allows us both to retain some ownership of our pre-partnered life.

Conclusion: The heated dialogues we were having this month traced back to feelings or impressions unequal access and ownership of finances. I feel that all couples should have equal understanding and feelings of responsibility for household money. If one person does the larger share of the financial work, it is very important to make sure the other one is informed on how to do the work. Ideally, sharing the financial responsibility equally will help keep both partners informed of current fiscal status and make sure both partners know what is happening and how to manage the finances fully if needed.

This entry was posted on Monday, October 2nd, 2006 at 12:56 pm and is filed under relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.